Merry Christmas

New blog… Why? I don’t really know… The last one was too depressing? And what better way to start off a new blog, with a new DEPRESSING RANT !!! Haha, naw, life’s good now. Haven’t written anything in a while… Excuse me while my thought jumps around.

My current mindset seems so familiar yet so distant. Why does it seem like I long for loneliness yet at the same time fear it?

Slightly ironic that I’m quite enjoying my solitude on Christmas Day. Its been ages since I’ve been alone…. and I mean… feel alone. Makes me think… Who am I? Why does it feel like less and less people know me? Like REALLY know me… Am I getting better at wearing masks? Its been a weird year. Been more social, more confident, cocky even… I wouldn’t say my family knows me well… Cause I have a Chinese family… parents don’t really understand their children =P I’d say my friends understand me to an extent. But I’m sure I annoy, confuse and frustrate them on with my extreme over confidence and lack of confidence. I’m like a box of chocolates… you never know what you gonna get. Might be sweet most of the time… but its mostly to mask the bitterness. I guess that’s the best way to describe myself… I’m a unique blend of sweetness and bitterness.

I just realized that my thoughts are mostly in English. This actually came as a slight surprise to me. I’ve long considered myself to have higher literacy skills in Chinese than English. I can pwn Chinese books in one sitting, where as English books will have to be broken up into days. Could just be because 95% of the books I read and/or own are in Chinese. After thinking about this for a while… I concluded that I can express myself with less effort in English… Yet I can express myself deeper in Chinese.Speaking of Chinese literacy… It used to be the #1 criteria I look for in a girlfriend… Some where along the line, it got lost in the shuffle. I’ve had my share of self doubt about the subject… Wondering if I’m yielding on my standards… I used to think that a person not fluent in Chinese would just be able to understand half of me. But lately, I’ve been putting more weight on just finding someone who can understand me period. Literacy in a language has nothing to do with if someone can understand your intellect, your morals, and your personality. Maybe I’ve just met one Chinese literate air headed girl too many…

Its now boxing day… Went boxing day shopping today. Just wanted a heavy coat. And I actually found one I loved at a great price… Given that its boxing day, its about 1 size too big… but I’ll live. I rarely find pieces of clothing that I just look at… and think… This is Me. The only one that comes to mind is a denim(I think…) jacket I found in new york… Victor’s 2 cents were… It saids you… Cause it looks slightly fob… but not totally fob…

This reminds me of my new years resolutions from last year…

• Write more in Chinese (Done)
• Make changes to my wardrobe (Done)
• Learn an instrument. (Nope)
• Learn to sing better. (Done… Slightly better…)
• Learn to cook better. (Nope)
• Lose15 pounds. (Not even close)

I guess that’s not too bad…. will still need to work on various things.

More randomness:

• Big Change of the year: I’d say car… Followed by job… Followed by, no more 3S.
• No Change of the year: Hair, weight, relationship status

End of post #1, lets see how long this blog lives.